A personal journey through the web and my head...

it is easy to believe there is a god. It would be actually comforting to talk to it, believing it hears me and consoles me and has some sort of power to address my very human issue…  But I can’t make myself believe there is a god out there who is my friend, for not even god is my friend today…

I used to have lots of friends, once, an entire street of them. I was always busy, had someone to talk to, someone to hang out with. I could just reach out for the phone, or go out to the street and I would find someone, often even a group of people ready to mix, and mingle, and be around me. 

Suddenly my interests changed. I was more focused in studying, and working, and this group of friends disappeared. They grew up, found jobs, left their homes, left the country. From them I was able to keep a few close friends. It took a little more effort, and often some planning, but I would still be able to find someone to talk to, or hang out with. Although it often required preparation and driving. Rarely would any of those friends appear at my door,  more often it was me the one putting the effort in reaching out.

Those friends left too, most of them out of the country, one into the westernmost part of the island, but I still had one who had been before 15 minutes away who then was 30 minutes away. I felt abandoned to say the least, and this 30 minute drive away friend although an awesome person, I always felt that it was a one sided friendship. She said she loved me and loved having me around, but everything we ever did together was mostly about her, rarely about me. 

Now, she’s leaving farther than any of my other friends. She had left me before, I know I will no longer miss her. But still… I’ll be friendless now, and I don’t think I want another one sided relationship with anyone else.